November 8, 2024 | Read Online​

No-vember – Reject Red-Flag Relationships

There is nothing more important than the people you surround yourself with. Jim Rohn famously said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” I generally think this is true. But it assumes there are no toxic personalities in the mix. Just like one rotten apple spoils the barrel, one toxic player can reduce a team to dysfunction no matter how talented they may be. Today’s edition of No-vember is about saying no to red-flag relationships.

I’ve learned this the hard way more than once. Last year, I had a leader in one of our businesses who had more red flags than a Swiss airport gift shop. My friend Codie Sanchez shared this question from Scottish billionaire Sir Tom Hunter, “If you were running a marathon, would you wait ’til the 22nd mile to take out a stone in your shoe?” Hunter was advising someone who was in a situation similar to mine. I decided then and there to part ways with the leader. It was expensive and painful and I have had ZERO regrets.

When someone is lying, cheating, stealing, or offensive, it’s easy to make the call. These aren’t red flags, they are hurricane warnings. Here are some less obvious red flags that could be a sign you need to put space between you and someone.

1. A red flag is when someone only seems to engage with you when they need something from you.
2. A red flag is when someone sees you struggling but adds to your workload instead of lightening it.
3. A red flag is when someone never makes an effort to engage with the things you’re passionate about, even though they know they matter to you.
4. A red flag is when someone makes you feel replaceable.
5. A red flag is when someone dismisses the things that help you clear your head or make you feel better.
6. A red flag is when someone never seems to see their own DNA in the problems you face – it’s always everyone else’s fault.
7. A red flag is when someone loses interest in you when a “more important” person walks in the room.
8. A red flag is when someone turns every disagreement into a battle they have to win.
9. A red flag is when someone never remembers the little things you mention, no matter how many times you mention them, showing they’re not really listening at all.
10. A red flag is when someone never seems grateful for you or what you do for them.
11. A red flag is when someone doesn’t know how to ask for or give forgiveness.
12. A red flag is when someone orders “chips and queso” but gets upset when you eat some.

Ok, that last one may just be one of my pet peeves. But I take my TexMex seriously.

Red-flag relationships stink but the longer we’ve been around them, the less we tend to notice. The strange thing about our sense of smell is that we only perceive new smells. It’s called olfactory fatigue. Soon after you dab on your perfume, you can’t smell it anymore. When you walk into your favorite pizza parlor, your mouth waters as the garlic, oil, and melted cheese assault your senses. By the time you’re seated, you can only smell the table candle. This is also why your teenager actually can’t smell their own pits.

This newness bias is why perfumers, enologists (wine makers), and other professionals who use their nose will smell the crook of their elbow. It’s the olfactory equivalent of cleansing your palate between tastes. We may suffer a similar blindness to red-flag people we spend regular time with. It can take a word from a trusted friend, a return from a long vacation, or maybe an article like this to jar us to our senses.

One question to ponder in your thinking time: Who needs to have less access to my time, my mind, and my wellbeing?

Make an Impact!
Jay Papasan
​Co-author of The ONE Thing & The Millionaire Real Estate Agent

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